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Tony’s Letters

It was a cool Autumn day. The leaves along the hillside had began to change to their delightful tones of red, yellow, and burnt orange to decorate for the autumn season.

I had drove to town to ‘check’ Sunshine Messages post office box. With little to no expectations of finding a letter. It had been brought to my attention that ‘snail’ mail was considered a thing of the past, so why would I believe anyone would take time to write Sunshine Messages?

As I stood next to the recycling bin tossing one advertisement after the other into a sea of unwanted ‘junk’ mail, something caught my eye! A small, crumpled, letter. It was difficult to read due to the smudged letters on the outside. The address was correct…P.O. Box 173 Milton Ky. 40045. But it was not made out to Sunshine.

Hmmmm, I curiously flipped it back and forth attempting to decide if it was placed in the wrong mail box or if it was indeed a letter for Sunshine?

Leaving the rest of the rubbish behind, the letter went with me! It couldn’t have much in the envelope it was so small. It smelled of cherry cigars & tears. Who was this from? Without a return address, my curiosity was building more and more.

As I carefully opened the crumpled, envelope to read this mysterious note…I found 2 letters. They both had been ripped apart, tapped together, crumpled & tore several times. One, in particular, was extremly difficult to read. As I unfolded the first letter, I had to carefully pull pieces of tape apart in order to open it. It appeared that this letter was held together with tape & prayers.

The handwriting was messy & whoever had written this note must have been in a hurry!

“I am sorry I couldn’t take it anymore, I Love You All So Much. I do not want to hurt you. I am sorry daddy, I cannot be the star quarter back anymore. But know I Love You I really do Love You! I am So Sorry. Love, Tony.

Was this a joke? Who would send this to Sunshine? What do they want? The questions raced through my head!

Laying this note aside, I quickly opened the newer, less stained and damaged letter.

Hoping to find answers, as to why I have this worn, tattered, pieced together, smudged letter that made little sense to me! Who is Tony? And why is his letter in my post office box. The second letter read:

Dear Sunshine,

I have read your blog, watched your recordings & I am begging for your HELP!

You see this is my Son’s suicide note! I have wept many times over these worn & tattered pieces of paper. Begging & hoping to turn back time. Wondering how I can forgive myself for being such a terrible father and how I can forgive my son for not talking to me before he did what he did.

You are my last attempt. I have contemplated taking my life several times, even as I write this letter my desperation feels as if it will take me over. I have been put on antidepressants, spoke with countless counselors/psychiatrists, mediums and psychics.

I have a beautiful daughter and wife. However, I know they are growing weary of my depression.

My wife explained, two weeks ago, she had been thinking about leaving me. Not because she does not love me, but rather she cannot stand to see me in such a terrible state of mind and feels she cannot help.

They are the reason I continue to wake up everyday. I would ‘end it all’ if it weren’t for these beautiful ladies in my life. However, I love them so much and I realize how terrible the pain is when you lose someone to Suicide, that I cannot hurt them like that.

A friend of mine requested I try one last attempt to heal. She explained how you had assisted her when she had to say goodbye to her husband 2 years ago.

She told me how you eased her pain by providing her with Sunshine Messages. “If it weren’t for ‘Sunshine’ I wonder how I would have pulled through”, was her comment to reassure me you could help.

Therefore, I am writing to request HELP! In fact I have NEVER let go of his letter as I did to mail it to you. Yes I made a copy. However, this letter is his actual handwriting from the pen he wrote before he…

I am unsure if you can help me. However, I am Desperate! I am at the end of my rope! I do not have anywhere else to turn.

My address is included at the bottom of this note.

Here is what I would like to do. May I write a message to my Son, Tony and you deliver it?

Write back as soon as possible or email me.

Please, please, please do what you can!

Sincerely yours, Charles

I immediatly sat down to write him a quick note, explaining this might be beyond my capabilities. This was a great deal of responsibility and fear had come over me.

For example, what if I couldn’t assist him and he took his life, I would feel terrible. I suggested he call the Suicide Prevention hotline & return to his psychiatric care, immediately. My note was short & sweet, but definitely to the point.

I addressed the envelope and hurried off to return his and his son’s  letter. I ensured I would send him good energy and hoped he found his inner peace & forgiveness.

I sent the letter and washed my hands of that.

The following day, the lady. who had sent Charles my way, contacted me. “I hope you do not mind I sent you another person to assist in living his Best Life.”

She explained a bit more about his situation.

Apologetically, I told her how I wrote him back declining the opportunity to assist.

Although she was disappointed, she seemed to understand my decision. (Which was fear talking).

About a week had passed and I heard nothing more. I did wonder if I had made the best decision, I guessed he went on to seek assistance else where. I had already lost a great deal of sleep over his letters therefore, I feel that no news is good news.

Everything was back to ‘normal’ in Sunshine’s world!

Two more weeks had passed. My routine visit to the post office, continued to be standing at the recycling bin disposing of all the ‘junk’ mail!

As I tossed the last four Dish Network advertisements in the recycling bin I turned on my heels and begin to leave. Then I heard a sweet little voice , “Are you Sunshine?”

Funny thing is…I was on the verge of cancelling the post office box and focusing on texting or email. Maybe everyone was right? (I thought to myself) I mean this letter idea is not going to work. No one writes or mails letters anymore. My clientele was growing and everyone seemed to enjoy the text messages/emails, just fine. This P.O. Box was a waste of time…right?

I replied, as I looked up to see who was asking, “Yes, I am Sunshine. Why?”

A young lady in her early teens was standing there, staring at me with her hand outstretched holding a Pink envelope addressed to Sunshine.

“Where did you find that? Did I drop it?” I asked.

“No,” she curtly replied. Continuing to hold the envelope out, as if she was a little put out with me for not taking the letter.

The two seconds of silence were extremly uncomfortable. As I reached out to take the letter, she never seemed to blink or take her eyes off of me. I slowly attempted to take the letter and she pulled it back slightly, tilted her head, inhaled deeply, then in a snide yet calm tone, she asked, “Can you handle this? I helped you the first time because you doubted, but now it is up to you, Sunshine.”

“Okay, I do not know who you are nor do I understand what you are talking about, but if that is addressed to me…please give it to me.”

I took the envelope and as I read who it was addressed to…’Sunshine’, I was saying, “Thank You,” simultaneously.

Our conversation continued as I peered at the envelope with extreme curiosity. I was blabbing about my thoughts, inspecting the color and wondering if this young woman knew who it was from. As I began to ask, “Do you know who…”

I looked up to read her facial expression, attempting to infer her role in delivering this hot pink envelope. And…SHE WAS GONE! POOF! HAD VANISHED IN THIN AIR!

I quickly ran to the door, pushed it open looking for this young lady. I would never forget her expression and how she made me feel so strange. She was kind yet staunch. Cold with a twist of warmth.

Where did she go? Who was this young lady? She was not in the Post Office when I arrived…hmmmm where did she come from?

Startled and confused I left with the Pink envelope in hand! I couldn’t help but continue to look for the messenger. I wondered, where she came from and where she went. I was confused and filled with curiosity. What was she talking about, “Can I handle this and she helped me the first time?”

I have never seen that girl before, in my life! How could she have helped?

Maybe, the contents in this letter will answer some of my questions. As I carefully opened the letter I could smell a strawberry scent coming from the pink lined paper carefully folded and tucked into the nice neat Pink envelope. The letter said,

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you so much for my letter. It was if you had already received my letter to my son! I do not know how you did that, but your letter has changed my life! I cannot thank you enough. I hope you will have time to send some more letters. They assist me in forgiving Tony and I can make it through one more day. Thank you from The bottom of my heart, Sunshine! Your friend was correct in saying your messages can be described as magical. My only regret is that I didn’t write you sooner.

You see I have been mourning Tony for five years and until your letter, I have cried myself to sleep night after night, since the day we lost him! I have attempted to hide my sadness, but my daughter, who is now 15, begged for me to get help. She said she misses her daddy and she is beginning to feel hatred towards her brother because of it.

When she said she could hate her brother is when something snapped in my head! Was I actually HATING my son for doing what he did? I knew I Hated myself, but I thought my mourning was because I Loved and missed him so much. I do not want my daughter or myself to hate Tony.

Then, out of complete desperation, I wrote that first letter to you. I did not have any expectations that you would return a response nor if it would help me heal.

I am here to tell you that letter…Changed My Life! I still have a great deal of healing to do and am hoping you will continue to assist me. My daughter has already noticed a difference in me, in this short amount of time.

When she asked what I was ‘doing’ to heal? I replied with enjoying some Sunshine 🌞.

Thank You Sunshine for everything! My letter from my son was the best medicine. (Yes, I know it was from you, but it helped me so much and you even signed it the way he always did! Thank you!).

I have written him another letter and am sending it to you separate from this one. I hope you do not mind, I looked up your favorite color and am sending my letters in that color to ensure they do not become mixed up in the many other letters you receive.

Thank you, once again, for assisting me. I know you are extremly busy and I so appreciate you taking on my case!

One more thing… I made a donation to your PayPal, I do hope it is more than enough.

Thank you, Charles

I read his letter at least twenty times. I was puzzled & confused.

Didn’t I write him a letter explaining how I couldn’t help? Hmmmm…my mind was racing with questions. Who was the young lady? Who is Charles? And how did he receive a letter from his son, yet from Sunshine? I didn’t write it!

The next few days I felt quite intrigued. I went to the post office every day for five days…Nothing! Oh of course there were a few more pieces of junk mail, but definitely not a Pink letter addressed to Sunshine. I had mixed emotions. Some days I hoped a letter would arrive and other days I felt like it was a hoax. Then…

IT HAPPENED! All alone, no advertisements, other letters, nothing was in my PO Box except 1 hot pink envelope addressed to Sunshine!

Instead of smelling like cherry cigars and tears it smelled of strawberries and cream. I quickly retrieved the letter and practically ran to my car.

Recognizing, I should wait to read this at home…I tore it open, in the parking lot and began reading!

Dear Tony,

It is funny all of my therapist have instructed me to write you letters, but I refused. All this time I focused on your death and my own suffering. I am so sorry! Thank you for forgiving me and knowing how much I Love You!

I wish you didn’t have to go as early as you did, but I now understand a little better of your pain and suffering. I will try to keep my letters on the lighter side, but sometimes I May need to tell you about my sorrow. It seems to be a path to help me heal. I have been so angry with you for the past 5 years that I have missed out a great deal. I will try to do better. I Love You My Son! Thank you for taking the time to write back and letting me know you forgive me, for not being able to help you.

I must admit the young lady, Lindsey, has truly suffered a great deal. She blames herself for breaking up with you and everytime she sees Mom, Jessica or myself tears fill her eyes and she makes a point to hug us and tell us all she loves us.

I wish you would have held on a little longer. You would have recognized that the pain from the break up or from all the other pieces of your life, would pass.

Jeremy took your place as quarter back and he did okay. He is now attending Kansas State. He did not continue playing sports after graduation. However, before EVERY GAME…He would pull the team to huddle and shout over and over, “Win this for Tony!”

The year you passed they didn’t win a single game! But, Senior Year…We won STATE! With a great deal of tears! The team lifted Jeremy up and chanted, “WE WON IT FOR TONY!!!”

Your school counselor included you in her graduation speech and of course, so did the class president & your best friend Damon.

One comment was, “Tony’s body may have passed on, but his Great Big Happy Spirit guided us through to this day. Our final page the day we all spread our wings and fly. We hope you are smiling down on us and that we made you proud.”

Oh, how I have missed you! I am so sorry you regretted it the second after you pulled that trigger. I know how you feel, I have regretted many things the second you thought it was okay to leave us!

I will never ‘move on’ or forget you my Son! However, I do hope for more peace & understanding, especially now that I have your letter. And hope for many more to arrive.

Until next time, know that I Love You to the Moon & Back. I Love You for all eternity! I simply wish I could turn back time.

Love with All of My Heart, Daddy! 

At this point I can only infer what Tony had replied back with. How did this happen? What could or how could I have possibly sent a letter from his deceased son.

My mind could not calm down. I questioned everything. Yes, I Loved Providing Sunshine Messages, but did I lack the confidence neccessary to continue this? Hmmmm…my uncertainty turned into anxiety and I needed to pause for a mindful moment.

As I layed on my yoga mat and attempted to focus on my breath, I continued to see the young lady firmly holding ‘my letter’. And then her smirk on her face as she acted like I was irritating her! Her words swirled in my head, “Can you handle this?”

Who does she think she is? Questioning me? Who are you? And what if I cannot handle this?

My mindful moment was becoming a gripe session from all the events of the day. I tossed and turned until I slipped off into a afternoon nap.

Of course, my dreams included letters, request, snide remarks, people all swirling around and mixing together.

One message that seemed to stand out was, “Write him back.”

“Write Who?”

But the who did not seem to matter! I heard the message again and my response was extremely loud as I sat up, abruptly ending my nap, and shouted, “Write WHO?”

I sat at my writing station, grabbed an ink pen and began to write. To who? No one. I simply wrote words that came to me. Some made sense others did not. I simply continued to listen to my mind…Happy that I communicate some love enjoy little laugh more never put a period no ending just beginnings journeys with you I journey with you alot ventures tough I am help yes healing forgive all allow happy love your guy Tony

I read it 100 times. I questioned do I send this to Charles? It doesn’t even make sense. I mean I guess it does a little bit, but not really. Maybe I should edit it? Nope, that answer was clear. What did I do? I addressed the envelope to Charles I took a trip to the post office and I mailed it!

When Charles received the letter he immediatly emailed me…”Thank You, Sunshine!”

To be Continued: if you would like to read more of ‘Tony’s Letters’ Stay tuned because we are releasing this story one surprise at a time!

Livelove & Carry On!

Written by: Teena/Sunshine Drake!

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Do you realize how many times you kill your own Genie?

Go back to my previous post, If I could give you anything…Anything! What would you ask for? Because this posting is part two of the story about a Genie in the Bottle and your wishes.

Remember when I wrote let’s leave the bottle for the bottom feeders? That’s because your Genie doesn’t have to go into the bottle, but you do need to learn how to recognize your Genie. I can’t tell you how many times I have coached people and they say, “I don’t think I have a Genie.”

And I reply with, “Yes, you do! In fact you have limitless Genies, but you need to first stop killing them so you can begin allowing them to grant your wishes.

Let’s begin small…(phrases that you use)…I don’t understand how you can say I have a Genie or several when I have all these bills. I work all the time and yet I never have enough to make ends meet. If I could win the Lottery or if you could give me a loan then I would be ‘better’.

If a Genie says, “Your wish is my command…”

And nothing else! (Pause! Take a deep breath for the next paragraph)…

1. You killed your Genie in the very beginning with not believing. (See any comparisons religious leaders? If you don’t believe and you go around being miserable, then why would you expect others to follow your beliefs or teachings or even Savior? Keep in mind this applies to all aspects of our lives).

2. Bills! Bills! Bills! Your wish is my command…it doesn’t say you can wish them away, but even if it did you didn’t do that. Instead, you killed the Genie, then you ‘kind of’ revived it, to ask for more of? Well, the only thing you could focus on which results in receiving as a wish, was lack of money and money to pay bills! And of course you also asked for less time and for your ‘ends’ to never meet! Whatever that means!

Enough is enough! Let’s correct that phrase and then begin to redirect all of our other wishes as we, carry on.

Try this: I have always been protected since the day I was born. Call it a Genie or a higher power, I know it’s real because there have been too many times I could have given up.

My wish is to feel better. To earn more because I am being compensated for how awesome I am. (If you don’t believe you are awesome then correct the image in the mirror until you are awesome to you. Meaning you are what you say you are…and I say you have an awesome you in there, it’s up to you to find it!).

If only I had a wish…I wish for__________. Fill in your blank. But remember to not tell of what is or has been. Only allow yourself to wish. And I promise if you will continue to wish for what you want, stop killing your Genie by not believing, and believe in the creation of you…Your Wish will Appear like a Bright, Shining, Gold Ring! Enjoy this day. Enjoy this wish…

My wish for you is to feel good. If you are suffering at this time my wish for you is to feel better! You deserve to feel better! You deserve to be better! You deserve to…

Livelove

&

Carry On

Need an Angel Card Reading, A Spiritual Message, or a Life Coach email me…

Livelove.teena@gmail.com

Sending you Great Laughter, Happiness, & Granted Wishes.

LHGW!

Written & Copyrights by: Teena Drake

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If I DIED TODAY, What would you say?

If I died today what would you say? 

Would you be so Cliche as to ramble on about the would should and coulds?

Or would you remember all my mistakes and blunders?

If I died today what would you say?

Would you be so Romantic as to buy me flowers, kiss my head and only be saddened due to the lack of hugging, kissing and reminiscing?

Or would you remember all my outburst of laughter that rolls like the thunder?

As of yet, I have not died today! But if I am the other half of you, I ask, “If I died today, what would you say? I simply, WONDER…”

Please always know that YOU ARE LOVED! I don’t know who needed this today, but I have a great deal of ‘work’ related items to complete today and this WOULD NOT STOP, until I shared with you!

Therefore, to whomever you are, I send you great love. I send you my gift. My only pay, I request, is for you to embrace and pass it on!

Livelove

&

Carry On

Need a little extra help in your life? Livelove.teena@gmail.com is where to find us.

How we can help you?

I don’t know, e-mail us and we will see if we can! If we can’t, You might be able to help us, help others!

Www.Livelovellc.org/home

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Happy Coaching 101 (day four) tbc…

Yesterday, I left you hanging because you received exactly the information, I received when I told this nice (strange, to me at the time) lady her first Happy message.

At first it was the usual, I send the message and no response. I messaged her the next day and said, “Are you okay? Do you want to continue your coaching?”

Normally, I do not feel the need to have a response, but for some reason my confidence was way down, due to the circumstances. You see, after she told me about her loss, I questioned, is their happiness after losing a child or your husband? I wasn’t sure and nor did I want to find out. Therefore, like many others I chose to not talk about those horrific events or possibilities. God had a different plan!

Please note that my first response, when she requested Happy Coaching, was No. I am not sure this is what you need! Why? Because after she told me her circumstances I was pretty sure a grieving counselor would be best. However, she sternly insisted and explained, “I have already done all of the counseling, I am going to do. I wish to receive your services.”

Now for her first response to the message. After sending it I heard nothing for about twenty four hours. The next day was rapidly ending when I receive a text that said, “NO.’

“No? What? No you do not want to continue? No you won’t create the map? No you won’t take the imaginary eraser and erase your pain? What is the No for,” I asked.

I received nothing for another twenty four hours. Then this is the explaination…”No, I will not erase anything! No, I do not want to discontinue the coaching! No, I do not want to share, but did create it.”

Okay? I thought. Then I sent the next message:

I am glad you chose to not erase all the tears, pain and hurt you have had in your life. Now it is time to create the next portion of your life map. What you want or desire? The past map was for you to recognize that you have had some fun life experiences and to see how many skills you have developed. The imaginary eraser was for you to delete the pain. However you quickly realized erasing those down times, you would be erasing the good as well because no matter what, there will always be ups and downs. But to erase the pain is to also erase the life with your child and husband and although losing them was terrible and hurt dearly, you would not have wanted to miss being with them on this journey. Enjoy, creating the life you want to lead. What does a typical day look like? Where do you want to live? Do NOT hold back allow the freedom of your imagination.

Please note, I know how difficult it must be, to focus on the future with all your loss, but this is one portion of our steps to finding your own happiness. That is to recognize the past has brought you to this point and no matter what you nor anyone else can change it. However, it is up to you to decide how you incorporate your paradigm, into your future. The main goal is to NOT live in the past, learn from it, enjoy the good parts and now only focus on the future (end of message).

I learned as much from this lady as she did me. We didn’t talk on the phone, she paid in money orders, and nor did I have her address. Even when I attempted to make excuses or bow out (due to being unsure I could help her) she would insist and deliver me a message.

From what I have learned is everyone suffers at one point in their life. Whether it be losing a child, divorce, death, drugs suicide, accidents, job loss, illness and much more. Everyone is on their own path and we all handle circumstances differently. However, one thing is for sure…Happiness is a choice. You can choose to mourn for the rest of your days and highlight the catastrophes. Or you can choose to live for the next great adventure and highlight the accomplishments.

On a personal note…I have had some of my dear friends suffer great losses and I am super sorry for that. My only hope is for you to remember and illuminate the GOOD in those loved ones you have burried. Try not to focus on their absence as much as their triumphs. My dear friend, who lost her son to a deadly illness always told me, I don’t want him to be known for his illness, death or his name to be emotionally attached to sadness or despair. Rather, she wants him to be known for his life, accomplishments, and his kindness he brought to the world. Wow! I must say that is a phenomenal desire and wouldn’t our loved ones be so happy to know, we are celebrating them?

God Bless!

Until we meet again my friends, your legacy will live on.

Livelove

&

Carryon

Www.Livelovellc.org/home

Livelove.teena@gmail.com

 

 

 

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Happy Coaching 101

This is an example of a happy coaching message. Some are much longer, others include simple tasks, and some are filled with ‘feel good’ words for you to repeat.

This young man wants to be president of the United States of America. Therefore, we addressed him as if he already held that position. It’s not whether he later decides, he does or doesn’t want to pursue this career path. It’s more about knowing you can be or fill any role you ever want.

Mr. Future President, There will be days you feel completely overwhelmed with all the issues and on those days stop look around and breathe. Next complete the task most necessary and go do something fun! Something that makes you laugh from the bottom of your belly. Because laughter can stop the happy thieves from stealing your joy!
Message for today: take time to have fun and laugh.

Www.Livelovellc.org/home

Livelove.teena@gmail.com to sign up today for Happy Coaching.

Livelove

&

Carryon